why?

Why would everything end's in this way?

Why must god play me out?

Graduating soon, what got me worried was i can't get a proper job and i believe the anxiety will turn out badly.

So hey! how are you doing over there? I hope you are fine with your bf and especially your family, please do be there for your mum though she can be quite naggy, she's your mum afterall. I believe you wasn't in your right state to even accept me in the first place, anyway you warn me way before i wanted to get together with you. It just me being stubborn that got myself in this situation.

How badly i want to see you from far to know how you are, how i wish all this having a bf was a lied. 

I can't seems to forgive myself for not putting my 100% in quitting smoking, working and drinking. I believe all this is meant for my own good, you mentioned, go get a degree, actually something everyone see's, is either you dont hold a degree and earn lots of money, or you hold a degree and earn a average amount of money.

Fuck this world, why do we live in the world that require money and not staying some place where we could plant our own corns and rice

How we first met

So sorry that i even type all this, i just want to keep myself reminded of how we met. I realise that my memory is getting worse, i hope after all the check up, i am not partial dementia.

I first met you when i was working at Timbre, and i met you. I joking told my friend that you were my type, but honestly you were my type of girl.

He helped out by cutting a strawberry flower and give it to you, i get really shy and dare not enter the area where you are seated at after i know they pass the flower to you.

They trick me into talking to you because i thought u asked me over for a conversation, it came into a awkward position where i have to lie and say it is a prank to take photo with you.

I posted that photo and tell everyone that you are the goddess of my eye. Which i honestly think so. I hope i could see you one day at timbre again. I was lucky to post that photo and angda actually know you.

Keep pestering him to meet up with you, and so we met at Zouk, where me and halley was squatting somewhere smoking and you came out. We went for supper at your house area prata shop. I Stole your number from angda, and secretly message you the next day, you seems to have unstoppable chat with me. I got really out of topic and i stop messaging you. But when i came back the next time, you are still ok with chatting with me.

Our next meet up was at a place where you wanted to have your cotton candy shot, you saw it somewhere in instagram. I manage to find that bar and that was the first time we go on date. It was near valentine, i went to order a bonquet of flower, i was so nervous about it because it is a official first date and its my first time giving flower. I dont lie for whatever things i told you. So i waited outside your school for you at dover, the day where you need to go that school for some talk or briefing. I initiated with taking cab down bugis, but you stopped me from doing so, eventually you make me hold the flower and take a photo with it, i was really shy, but i saw you laughing and smiling happily. I talk to myself, why not? Its my goddess, you may not be my girlfriend, but at least i try to be together with you, i was really sincere about it. Our conversation doesn't stop just there.

About 3 weeks into this, we got together when you started taking photo together with me at a closer view. I thought to myself, its now or never. I pop the question asking whether i can hold you hand, and you agree with it, you asked whether we are dating or in a r.s. I said of causes we are in a r.s.

Ever since then, you always ask whether we are in a r.s or dating. You always say whether is it ok to post my photo in your instagram, i said its up to you or stop you from doing so, because you are afraid people will know what is going on.

All shall be continued. 1 more weeks till the day we started off and it is suppose to be our anniversary. I dont know what i gonna do to myself on that very day. . . . .

The shit that happen every night

Now i do understand how you live was one year back before i enter your heart. 

Now i do understand the meaning of spending time together with you.

Now i do understand that drinking was never a good thing that one should adore.

Now i do understand that smoking will causes undesire health issue

I can feel how you was bad them, the time where you can't sleep every single day that you need to get out of house and find something to do.

The moment you hug me and asked me dont leave. I regretted deeply. I really do. I thought of ending my life whenever i rmb that scene. Till now i still can't get over you.

I hate you, i hate your friend more. 

I hate myself for not being a degree holder back then. You give me the feeling that money wasn't everything. But all this seems like something because if i am someone that is showable, the world around you should have all known about me. 

This have am huge impact on me ever since you left.

I Thought i was ok from all this, and i had enough, therefore i go okcupid which is a social dating app. Guess whose the first person i saw? its you! that very moment, i wonder what had you done behind my back.

I dont blame you for that, because i wasn't around during the beer fest period and got you wondering why am i not contacting you.

Why do people always think that only guys will turn astray? not that i wanted to say this, but i dont blame you, its all my fault. I do understand and i hope everyone around should know that people go astray easily.

Maybe this was just a punishment for me for all that i had done in the past. I deeply regret and so i have this retribution.

I spoilt my body terribly. I think of you every fucking night, i have many flashback on what we had done and went. I talk to myself in my quiet room.. I kept thinking and my panic attack comes, it is a horrible feeling that you are going to die when panic attack comes. No joke. 

I always thank god for giving me something and taking away something. If only you can take away everything but not Hannah.

I stuck in the middle, i always want to show up infront of her and beg for her mercy. In my second thoughts, i believe that guy is very much acceptable by everyone.

Even if one day i could lead on my life with my future half, i can never fall deeply as ever. Because your photo can never be remove from my phone or com, i will kill that person if she happen to do so. 

You just gonna accept my feeling or you jolly well fuck off.

I would rather have the photo with all my precious memory that i ever have than you staying with me for the rest of your life.