I pm lots of people when I care. Maybe that's something is gonna happen to me. It's was a terrible years for me.

It's like a year already since I broke off and I believe your anivessery is reaching soon?

Actually I don't blame u at all. 

Thanking God

This is the first time that something mean a lot to me. I pray and everything went smoothly.

I pray that you be happy ever after that this guy is definitely be the one that you can rely on. Never cheat on you, never make you upset, have wonder photo for you to show off to the world.

Inedeed all this happen. I kindly regret for praying this, but at times, u just have to let go of certain things to make you feel better. 

Why can't human be this way? Break up? So what? Why can't they stil care about each other and not be so anal? 

Here I am taking to myself again.

But to my fellow decendent, if you happen to come across this article, do note that God is always there to love yo, you get some and u will lose some. And that's life, you have to understand this and not be like this JOHNTAN whining for a girl over and over again just because this is the lady he always wanted.

Thank god

Personally I think after the break up I did drink heavily which I am scare it that continue, I wouldn't be here because I drink excessively which I never drink before every single day.

Therefore my body decided to break down and have this anxiety disorder, though it's already very uncomfortable and feel like life threatening. 

But it's better than having liver disease from all this alcohol. 

Thanking God for giving me this so that I would stop drinking, if not I'll probably be at hell right now. And you will be guilty as fuck.

That's my intention btw, luckily it wasn't disclosed to the doctor if not I'll be at mental hospital by now.

And for now there is a guy call Amos  that his behavior is far from ordinary.

I hope people could understand that he's probably having a mental problem and this is something one can't control.

And for that, his parent should do something about it before things get worse. 

Advanced diploma

I shouldn't have time to blog, but I am blog to my ass that I wish I could write everything I wish to say over here to you. 

This advanced diploma is pain in the ass, too us one day to finish what was taught back in poly. How stressful that was, within 1 2 weeks I'll have 12 reports to finish for practical, and one report usually take me a day to finish. And we have assignment to finished which could take up to a week if we chiong, 12+ 7 = 19 days. Somemore there is so much for me to catch up with class, and that required me plenty of time to study before I could the the 19 days worth of work. Omg. Fucking stress.

I can't drink, I'll panic attack, I can't relax myself, I just have to ton every fucking night just to catch up and not able to compete. Pls give me 48 hours for this month of May will you?

I dreamt

I hope my dad live till the second coming. I dreamt of him being dead and I got no idea what to do because you are not with me anymore. Therefore I cried loudly and I woke up with my pillow all wet.

Love is ?

I always tell everyone around me, if you love someone, love them whole hearty, have possession of them. It's useless if you love them and u can't have them. 

But for now I understand that, even though one may not be together, but love can be there, and you would love to do anything for that person. Despite all the disappointment in them, and for what they had say towards you after the break up. I still faithfully wish for your good, continuing mocking at me, but still, I secretly pray for you days and night, in exchange of my happiness for yours. So long you received your happiness, I am willing to neglect my happiness. 

Not being able to see your smile anymore, but I believe and for what you believe you friend says you are happier now. I believe you are happier now. 

I still rmb the day, now stupid I am to write an essay and ask u to send to your friend for the acceptance of me. 

But after thinking, wtheck? You get together wit someone because of peer pressure? That's dam weird. And you break up because of peers word as well. Think about that, you said to not disclosed about your past because you might receive some unwanted attention. I did as you wish.

I whine to your friend, the next thing she ask was, what have you done for her?

I am speechless, I believe you yourself will say this things as well. Do one being together, must it be doing something for another half? 

You said also, I am like a fucking lazy pig, because I always sleep till very late. Well that's just me! The time when I am too tired from all the studies and work, do you know that? Well, honestly I am stupid and that require me to study longer to understand the question. I sleep longer: I know that whenever I don't have enough sleep, I'll be dam cranky, and that I don't want to appeared myself in a very cranky mood when I am with you. Why would you think the other way, in fact, a lot things need not be said for understand. But if you think that everything have to be mentioned, then why do girls demand so much on what they need and argue on guys not able to understand them without saying? Why guys can't be the same. 

In fact you are the one that get me really exicted. Nobody else, even if I date a few. 

I am a very sentimental person, therefore no matter how nuch I hate a person, deep in my heart, I still can't bear to hurt you. 

Thoughts about human thoughts towards God

Been wondering, do people say they trust God, believe Jesus is the savior and await for the second coming. They say this issit because they get some benefits from praying and that they believe God exits because God answered their prayer. Or are they afraid, because there is saying that if you don't believe in me and follow the ten C, they will be punish and shall not recognize as gods children. 

So there is a differences in this, u believe because you are afraid? Or do you believe because of what had God done and for that, u wish to follow him and be obident.

In other words, once shouldn't accept the bread and wine if they are unclean, meaning to say that, you can go church, but you shall not receive the bread that was given by he pastor. And there is ritual for that for you to be clean once more. Even woman with period shall

Be unclean at that period of time. Why aren't we following this?

Big aunt

Most probbably my big aunt have come to the end of her life. Her heart stopped and was sent to hospital immediately. 

She had suffer enough of all the cancer ever since she was young, and now her suffering have ended. 

Why is there a need to die.

Hais.

Time passes so fast, from the big aunt that is the loudest in the past to the one that keep suffering from cancer, and couldn't have a proper voice. Education is impt, if she could write and talk with people.

Likewise, in life we always want to have this and that, but somehow it's predicted that the amount of things you will have is all written. Or do we have a way to Change it because what we do is what we gonna be? 

If I could help your two child, I will try. Rest in peace will you. 

Will see you someday when second coming is near. 

I cherish every single thing we encountered before. The little sweet thing u did. I rmb every single thing of your stuff.

Every time I came by the place I was with you, I look back and rmb what meal we ate, why you drink, and even the seat we sit at.

U know my character, I had been look down upon my entire life. And now u wish to bring me down again? 

I told u I am studying. But what did you say? U said, hey! Look! I want to show that bitch what I can do! 

Why do you think I am seeking for a better life just to show you without you, I am living just fine? 

Wouldn't in my heart will say you are a bitch. Never once it came across my mind! I am fine if others look down on me. Ya I may not be rich, but at least, I do what I should. I will never let you die of Hunger or make you financial instability. Because I know when I am at that moment, I will fucking hell look for additional job to bite through the crises. 

Honestly u dunno me, you said guy can't handle lust. Let me tell you this, when we are together. U should be proud of yourself that I don't stray around. What's in my life was, how can I give you a better life in future. Plan for a future..

Fuck it. 

Once again you pm me

She came and lecturer me again. Well, my English is bad. So? 

And you are so into it back then? Why are you Mocking at me now? Just because you have a better life now? 

Seriously I had a terrible night, I went to outrage and drink like fuck again. 

The very next day, hyperventilation, went to a n e. U happy? You say you don't give a fuck, den don't bothered being friend once more? Don't u feel it's a disgrace to have me as your friend? 

I fucking tell you, I may not have an outspoken personality. I am not some guy that you can bring out and show off with. 

But I am a fucking loyal person?they may have some conflict in the r,s, I will try to solve it. Because I know it's never easy for someone to know and to get together and fall In love. It's never easy! 

You say, what's wrong with me? It's over a year already and I can't get over? Well you should be happy that, when your previous r.s is shit. Doesn't mean you should use that to revenge on me? 

Why must you use such nasty word? What have I done to you? Did I betray you? When I feel lonely, did I download all stupid app and play? 

Canon! Never in my life I find ways to talk shit about you. Because you are always perfect in my heart. Even if you go for other guys. Go ahead! I know his out my league. 

And what did you say? You said we live in the different world? If at the moment I could afford, I would love to travel the world with you. 

Boosting around that people say you are happier now? 

Well, when you are with me, your friend said you are happy as well.

No?

Pls don't bullshit.

Did I ever talk shit about you? In fact I pray that this time your r.s should be a present one, and I even curse myself to have a lousier life and so you could have a better life. I know you are hurt badly last time. 

But fuck, why did you come and talk shit about me again? 

Every single time you talk to me, you said you wanted to talk nicely, but look at your tone first before u questioned about my replies.

why?

Why would everything end's in this way?

Why must god play me out?

Graduating soon, what got me worried was i can't get a proper job and i believe the anxiety will turn out badly.

So hey! how are you doing over there? I hope you are fine with your bf and especially your family, please do be there for your mum though she can be quite naggy, she's your mum afterall. I believe you wasn't in your right state to even accept me in the first place, anyway you warn me way before i wanted to get together with you. It just me being stubborn that got myself in this situation.

How badly i want to see you from far to know how you are, how i wish all this having a bf was a lied. 

I can't seems to forgive myself for not putting my 100% in quitting smoking, working and drinking. I believe all this is meant for my own good, you mentioned, go get a degree, actually something everyone see's, is either you dont hold a degree and earn lots of money, or you hold a degree and earn a average amount of money.

Fuck this world, why do we live in the world that require money and not staying some place where we could plant our own corns and rice

How we first met

So sorry that i even type all this, i just want to keep myself reminded of how we met. I realise that my memory is getting worse, i hope after all the check up, i am not partial dementia.

I first met you when i was working at Timbre, and i met you. I joking told my friend that you were my type, but honestly you were my type of girl.

He helped out by cutting a strawberry flower and give it to you, i get really shy and dare not enter the area where you are seated at after i know they pass the flower to you.

They trick me into talking to you because i thought u asked me over for a conversation, it came into a awkward position where i have to lie and say it is a prank to take photo with you.

I posted that photo and tell everyone that you are the goddess of my eye. Which i honestly think so. I hope i could see you one day at timbre again. I was lucky to post that photo and angda actually know you.

Keep pestering him to meet up with you, and so we met at Zouk, where me and halley was squatting somewhere smoking and you came out. We went for supper at your house area prata shop. I Stole your number from angda, and secretly message you the next day, you seems to have unstoppable chat with me. I got really out of topic and i stop messaging you. But when i came back the next time, you are still ok with chatting with me.

Our next meet up was at a place where you wanted to have your cotton candy shot, you saw it somewhere in instagram. I manage to find that bar and that was the first time we go on date. It was near valentine, i went to order a bonquet of flower, i was so nervous about it because it is a official first date and its my first time giving flower. I dont lie for whatever things i told you. So i waited outside your school for you at dover, the day where you need to go that school for some talk or briefing. I initiated with taking cab down bugis, but you stopped me from doing so, eventually you make me hold the flower and take a photo with it, i was really shy, but i saw you laughing and smiling happily. I talk to myself, why not? Its my goddess, you may not be my girlfriend, but at least i try to be together with you, i was really sincere about it. Our conversation doesn't stop just there.

About 3 weeks into this, we got together when you started taking photo together with me at a closer view. I thought to myself, its now or never. I pop the question asking whether i can hold you hand, and you agree with it, you asked whether we are dating or in a r.s. I said of causes we are in a r.s.

Ever since then, you always ask whether we are in a r.s or dating. You always say whether is it ok to post my photo in your instagram, i said its up to you or stop you from doing so, because you are afraid people will know what is going on.

All shall be continued. 1 more weeks till the day we started off and it is suppose to be our anniversary. I dont know what i gonna do to myself on that very day. . . . .

The shit that happen every night

Now i do understand how you live was one year back before i enter your heart. 

Now i do understand the meaning of spending time together with you.

Now i do understand that drinking was never a good thing that one should adore.

Now i do understand that smoking will causes undesire health issue

I can feel how you was bad them, the time where you can't sleep every single day that you need to get out of house and find something to do.

The moment you hug me and asked me dont leave. I regretted deeply. I really do. I thought of ending my life whenever i rmb that scene. Till now i still can't get over you.

I hate you, i hate your friend more. 

I hate myself for not being a degree holder back then. You give me the feeling that money wasn't everything. But all this seems like something because if i am someone that is showable, the world around you should have all known about me. 

This have am huge impact on me ever since you left.

I Thought i was ok from all this, and i had enough, therefore i go okcupid which is a social dating app. Guess whose the first person i saw? its you! that very moment, i wonder what had you done behind my back.

I dont blame you for that, because i wasn't around during the beer fest period and got you wondering why am i not contacting you.

Why do people always think that only guys will turn astray? not that i wanted to say this, but i dont blame you, its all my fault. I do understand and i hope everyone around should know that people go astray easily.

Maybe this was just a punishment for me for all that i had done in the past. I deeply regret and so i have this retribution.

I spoilt my body terribly. I think of you every fucking night, i have many flashback on what we had done and went. I talk to myself in my quiet room.. I kept thinking and my panic attack comes, it is a horrible feeling that you are going to die when panic attack comes. No joke. 

I always thank god for giving me something and taking away something. If only you can take away everything but not Hannah.

I stuck in the middle, i always want to show up infront of her and beg for her mercy. In my second thoughts, i believe that guy is very much acceptable by everyone.

Even if one day i could lead on my life with my future half, i can never fall deeply as ever. Because your photo can never be remove from my phone or com, i will kill that person if she happen to do so. 

You just gonna accept my feeling or you jolly well fuck off.

I would rather have the photo with all my precious memory that i ever have than you staying with me for the rest of your life.